Thursday, 22 July 2010
I have a problem. I have like a shit ton of reviews that I *really* should write before all my lovely followers get sick to the back teeth of me promising to post reviews but then not doing it. I can't remember the last time I posted a book review, seriously I think it's been that long. It's not that I'm not reading, sheesh look at the list now on my left sidebar - I've read 119 books so far this year and I ain't done yet. But I am finding it freaking impossible to write a decent, coherent review of anything I read.
I HAVE WRITER'S BLOCK!!! ARGH!!!!
I want to write, really I do and I can put together in my head things I want to say but when it comes down to actually manifesting those thoughts into words my brain suddenly packs in and turns to mush. It's driving me insane, the last 7 books I've read are ones that I would actually post a review for (some of the books I read are not YA so I'd probably not review them on this blog) but finding the time and energy to actually think about and write down what I liked and disliked about each book in a way that's even slightly helpful to others is ridiculously hard right now. It's not helped by the fact that while I'm at home for the summer I have the stress of trying to maintain the secrecy of the blog/youtube channel from the parentals because if they knew what I'd been doing since January when I probably should have been studying then I'd be *soo* dead and I'd never be allowed near the internet ever again.
Another thing that is totally shot to hell by my inability to string sentences together creatively is any chance of me finishing a single story idea that I come up with. A few months back I had a *holy chorus and god rays* moment and thought of a fab YA novel idea (well at least *I* thought so). I was so excited that I spent three weeks planning and developing my idea, writing little scene snippets, thinking about my characters and whatnot. But then massive feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed me and all my motivation to work on the idea disappeared. Just thinking about how long it would take me to write out the whole story and make it believable and work properly and not be utter crap seemed like an insurmountable task and I had no clue whether I'd even have the creative energy to finish a full-length story. I still occasionally think about the idea and the characters do feel at least partly real to me, I can visualise scenes that I want to write but it's like stuffing a 5 minutes scene from a movie onto a piece of paper, there's so much in it that I wouldn't know where to start and there's no way I could describe it just how I'd imagined it.
Is it really stupid of me to get so hung up about my writing? I spend so long thinking and planning but I can never actually sit down and write out a scene, start to finish in full prose. I just can't and I have no idea why, I can do little chunks of conversation with a smattering of description but a full chapter-length scene is utterly beyond me. When I was a kid I kept saying that I wanted to be an author, but as far as I'm aware I've never finished a story of a decent length. Yea I've started a whole ruck of ideas but nothing has ever gotten into the "sit and write it out properly stage". I know lots of book bloggers also write and hearing how they're thousands of words into their WIP etc. makes me insanely jealous because I've never got even close to being able to say "I've finished the first chapter of my book".
I'm really sorry that I'm venting all this onto you folk but heck I need to get it out somewhere or I'm gonna implode from feeling so crap about my writing (or the lack of it). It'd be great if I could have someone look at something I'd written and tell me whether it's worth even bothering carrying on but I've not got anything that's long enough that I'd even contemplate showing to people. (except Jess, you totally rock BTW).
God I'm not even sure where this post is going anymore, it's massively long and has probably drifted waay off the point of my being sorry for the lack of Book Reviews. I am sorry for that but it is linked into my other problems with writing so it is still relevant. I was really only doing a post instead of doing this weeks Booking Through Thursday question because I thought it was a bit naff but my brain ran away with me and spewed out this enormous rant on my own lack of "stickability" with a book idea.
If you've been lovely enough to read all this rambling then thank you so much, any comment on my insanity, daftness whatever would be greatly appreciated, heck just a cyber-hug would suffice. I think I'm in a bit of an odd place right now and I really am a bit bemused by my own mental state.
I'll leave off wittering about here I think.