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In Despair of not quite being there

 Monday, 29 August 2011

Yes I realise that I have totally dropped off the face of the planet for nearly a month and a half and I apologise for doing so without notice. While I was on holiday I was all optimistic that I could have a decent work-play routine that actually left me with enough energy to so much as switch on my laptop when I got home. Well, you can all see how brilliantly *that* plan turned out.

I'm rather at a loss to understand where August and in fact Summer has gone, I'm somewhat doubtful that Summer even exists at the moment since I'm wearing a hoodie as well as a dressing gown and thick bed-socks- oh and not to mention the fact that the central heating is on - IN FREAKING AUGUST! Bah anyways I didn't dig myself out of my hermit hole merely to rant about how effing cold it is right now.

Basically I've realised something recently - I am getting ever closer to my 21st birthday (bricking it btw) and I have yet to find the niche in this world where I feel like I truly belong. This revelation of sorts came to me this weekend while I was in Oxford with my family for a Bank Holiday weekend break. Back when I was still with my boyfriend I went down to Oxford to visit him at uni several times so I knew my way around the town reasonably well. As we walked about I found myself wishing I could live in this gorgeous town since it's chock-full of bookstores and coffee-shops, which are pretty much the two best things I could hope for in a
place to live.  Yet for some bizarre reason I felt like I shouldn't be there, like I was invading an intellectual nest where I wasn't welcome.

Before I ended up at Aberystwyth Uni, I had applied to Oxford university (although in retrospect it really was a crap idea and a waste of a uni choice) and when I got rejected I couldn't help feeling like it was a massive door slammed in my face which really quite upset me at the time. It was like being told that I wasn't smart enough to deserve to go to Oxford when I'd been told waaay back in primary school that I was in fact *that* smart.

After I left uni last December I did actually reapply to do a totally different course which at the time I thought I'd really enjoy, ironically enough the best place in the country to do that course (Publishing media if you're interested) was at Oxford Brookes - Oxford's little sister uni as it were. In the months after applying I slowly lost all enthusiasm for the course and when I finally got the email saying I'd been unsuccessful in my application I really wasn't massively bothered (bear in mind that it was on the day of my Grandad's funeral and I had just got a job that morning after 5 months of being tediously unemployed so I was a tad hysterical) but this weekend I came to the conclusion that perhaps I'm supposed to stay away from Oxford since neither of the universities want me there so as much as I'd like to live there I just don't ... belong there.

I've been feeling somewhat the same at work recently, it gets remarked on frequently that I use a lot of big words - my production manager kept asking me to repeat the word "eviscerate" most days for nearly 3 weeks. Whenever someone asks me what I was doing at university there's always a quiet moment after I say  "French & Spanish" like they don't quite know what to make of me. My love of Harry Potter is gently mocked on a regular basis by one of the directors (whose 16 yr old son got onto to Pottermore early) like my enthusiasm about the books is something to find amusing.

I have a bad habit of launching into long-winded explanations for things that could really be summed up in a few short sentences (this blog post for example) - although I try to improve myself on this front it's pretty dang hard so I do waffle on a bit at work. However I find it rather hurtful when my production manager (who I end up pestering for large portions of the day so I know that jobs are getting done and that I'm not going to have angry customers ringing me up wanting to know where their mugs are), blatantly tunes me out when I'm trying to talk to him and maybe making a hash of it. It's bad enough that my own sister does it to me if I'm waxing lyrical on something vaguely nerdy but when my employer does it to me when I'm trying to do my job then it does make you feel pretty shit.

At the risk of sounding terribly snobby I feel like no one at work is quite on the same intellectual wavelength as me. Don't get me wrong most of the people I work with are lovely in their own quirky way but I feel like I'm masquerading in a boxful of round pegs when I am secretly a octagonal one - I can't help but wonder if there are some other weird pegs like me in jobs that don't entirely satisfy.

All in all I'm not altogether happy with the turn my life is taking right now - yes, I have a stable job which on it's less stressful days I do enjoy. But the next few months are going to get progressively more insane and I worry that the day will actually come I that do stay so late at the office that I fall asleep there. At my age I *really* don't find that prospect appealing, I need a job that won't keep me stressing all weekend because I know everything is going to go horribly wrong the next week when half of the factory staff is on holiday (this will soon become a reality so don't ask me how my week's been on Friday - it's for your own safety). I need a job that I can switch off from in the evenings, one that doesn't keep me late and take up my lunch hour. I need a job that doesn't lump a massive amount of pressure on me and leave me with inadequate managerial support. I need employers who respect and appreciate how freaking hard I work sometimes and don't just bitch about how infrequently I make the tea.

Basically I need a new job - but considering how long it took me to get this job I'm obviously very wary to just hand in my notice and jump ship blindly. I'd actually have to have another position secured without a doubt before I could say "cheerio" and in these times that's next to bloody impossible.

So my dilemma is eating all of the brainpower I've got left at the end of a day, I'd read almost nothing for a week until this weekend. I've not blogged since I was on Holiday, I've not made a youtube video since the same time, I'm barely on facebook or twitter anymore. It seems like I've living for work, food and sleep with odd moments of sociability on Friday nights - I cannot spend the next year like this, I just can't.

Help. Please. I need to get off this merry-go-round of highs and lows. Hell I just need this whole year to become a faint memory - it's times like these that I get mightily nostalgic for high school.

You may now go back to your lives (thank you if you were dedicated enough to reach the end of this - I owe you a cookie or something).



Kate 30 August 2011 at 18:26  

I wondered where you went! Sorry things are going horrible lately. :( I remember being really unhappy after I didn't get into graduate school last year but in hindsight it all worked out for the best. It's tough not knowing what you want to do but I think you're an awesome person and that you'll figure it all out and come out stronger in the end. Best of luck and I hope to see you around the blogosphere more! :)

Lu 30 August 2011 at 21:02  

Hey! This is the first time I have commented on your blog, but what you have said really strikes a chord with me. I feel exactly the same way with my job. I work with someone who I have nothing in common with, and who is just not on the same level as me (sorry that sounds snobby but I have to be honest). I try to discuss books, what is happening in the world etc and I get a blank look followed by 'ooh I must book another sun bed appointment and did you see how fab Jordan looked on TV last night?' Makes me want to scream! All I can advise is hang in there - everything will work out! I have been in my job for 2.5 years and am using this job to boost my CV. I have been on every decent course I can, made a note of every thing I have done that an employer might want and just hope every day that this will lead to something better. Don't chuck the job in until you find another one. Sounds strange but it is easier to find another job, once you have a job!! Hope things start to look up for you soon :D

Ellie 28 September 2011 at 12:18  

Awww Rachel, I'm so sorry you're feeling rubbish about everything! I've not really been blogging much either, sometimes life just gets too busy... I definitely get the 'round peg in a square hole' thing, unfortunately in so many entry position jobs for us 20-somethings the more intelligent amongst us are bound to get frustrated! :(

My first piece of advice would be to start scouting around NOW for new jobs. You'll feel better knowing you're doing something proactive towards changing things for yourself.

If you want to rant a bit more, please PLEASE do email me. I always like hearing from you and Jess and now we're all busy it doesn't happen often enough! Love and a big hug, xx

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